Talking with my sister about “how men ask me out” and why I have issues with this “texting” nonsense  it has been enlightening”

We were chatting and I got a text message from a guy I met back in the summer.  He has been sending me text messages about his exploits in the city and at times alluding (key word there ) that he would like to spend some time with me.  He happens to live nearby and initially it seems like he was fishing for an invitation to come over and chill, maybe watch TV or something, I don’t know because he was never direct.  It has always something the effect of (all via text msg mind you, no actual phone or in person conversations)

Him: “What are you up to?

Me: Working

Him: Oh, well hit me up when you’re not working

Me: I can take a break, what’s up?

Him: I’m getting in from work about to relax

Me: Sounds great

Him: What do you do to relax

Me: Glass of wine, good book, music

Him: I like those things too…

PAUSE: this is irritating for a couple of reasons (please note I am summarizing this text-talk it was much longer before I got to the irritation point)

1. This is getting pointless.  From my perspective I’m trying to make space and be open to opportunity by pausing what I’m up to and interacting, but there doesn’t seem to be a point so now it’s starting to occur as a waste of my time and I’m trying to think of way to be done with this.
2. Texting is not good for CONVERSATIONS.  I think it should be used to communicate things concisely.
3. I don’t know what to do here.  What is the … about?  Is he waiting on me to suggest something?  Umm he  reached out to me so I would think he had a reason and at some point would make it known as a opposed to trying to lead me somewhere.  From the dialogue so far I THINK he MAY want to kick it and wants me to say something like “bring a bottle over and let’s have a glass together” , but seeing as I don’t really know him (we have never gone out, we just met a few months ago) I’m not going to invite him over to relax with me AND as I pointed out I am still working and just taking a break so not ready to “unwind” yet.

Back to the “conversation”

Him: Ok, well hit me up when you get a minute

Me: Ok

So I go back to whatever it was I was doing and promptly forget about that request.  I tend to move from thing to thing and by the time I”m done and I’m ready to unwind, its late.  Too late to go out with anyone or call some guy I don’t know (don’t want him to get the impression I’m down with a Booty Call).  By the next day I’m back on my hustle and our “text talk” is a distant memory.  This is why texting is not a good look if you want to make an impression.  I’ve touched on this before, but I need “face-time” to connect with a person.  Email and texting don’t cut it and while the phone can be a good start, end of the day, the only way I’m gonna start to really feel you is when/if we spend some time together.

You’re gonna have to take me out, if you want to get to know me

Nope, I’m not a dinner whore or out to “use men for their money,” I just don’t invite strange men to my home or go to theirs for safety reasons.  No I don’t think the men I agree to go out with are murders or rapist, I don’t think ANY women who has ended up dead or raped thinks “Oh I think he’s a murderer/rapist, but I’ll go out with him anyway”  LOL. 

Part of being a woman in the world is that we have to be conscious of our safety, so that means taking precautions.  So when a new man expresses interest we have to do the work to be safe AND get to know him well enough to feel comfortable being alone with him in a car and/or a private setting.  That’s just how it is fellas and while the date doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner, if you want to spend time with a woman invite her out to a PUBLIC PLACE to engage is some sort of activity so that she can feel safe AND you have the opportunity to show her how awesome you are.

TEXTING is not TALKING

No matter what you may think, texting a person is not the same as talking to them…ESPECIALLY when you firstmeet.  You want her to her your voice and see your face so that she connects with you.  PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL!  If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to spend a WHOLE lot of time of the phone unless the conversation is just flowing, so there are lots of awkward pauses my advice is to set a date and end the call QUICKLY!  When you go out one of the things to check for is if you two can find common ground and have something to talk about.  If not, it may not be a good match. I usually give a guy 3 in-person dates and about 5 phone calls to make a connection.  I’m trying to account for nerves and/or shyness, but if after a few dates and a few telephone conversations we can’t find anything to talk about, I’m peace.

Texting is fine to let her know you’re thinking about her and/or to confirm or change details about a pending date.

So today’s lessons

1. Texting is not for getting to know you conversations.  When you  text a woman you’re interested in make it short & sweet.  
2. Get some Face Time.  After 1-2 phone conversations take it to the real world and ask her out.  Make it public, engaging (movies are a no-no unless you’re gonna do dinner/drinks and a discussion afterwards) and make it easy on your wallet too (movie and dinner/drinks can be pricy). 

Happy courting!

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