A HUGE BREAKDOWN I see is a generation of adults (Black Gen X) who were raised without A POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODEL in their home or life and have NO IDEA what a GOOD MAN is like at home with his wife & family. They got their messages from music, TV, movies, and the street (the Cosby show was great and all, but not reality). I’m basing this off statistics of increases in single parent homes headed by women in the 80′s and beyond.
I have the privilege of being from a two parent home with a father who truly loved his wife (my mom passed away 16 years ago).
NEWSFLASH The way my father is in the world vs how is with us distinctly different. I get it, the world requires men to put on this “front” of being tough and “running things” but having an insider’s look into the private life a man I understand that in REALITY men are multidimensional.
THE SECRET LIFE OF A MAN: I know that men are not always tough and stoic. I know they are HUMANS who laugh, cry, get scared just like women and children. I know that in the world they have to put on a mask of strength and confidence, but that’s not reality.
I know that its okay for a “man” to take pride in his appearance and to have a personal grooming ritual. I know that a “man” can have his nails trimmed, filed and polished and not lose an ounce of his “masculinity.”
I know a man can say “I don’t know, ask my wife” and not be any less of a “man.”
I know a man can be sweet, tender, kind, and silly with his family and still be a “man.” I know all these men out here who think men are at home the same way they are on TV, in the music videos, at work or at the gym or on the corner or at the barbershop don’t get that its an act, bravado and ultimately LIMITING. I know that men can control themselves and their bodies and can choose to or not to break their vows of fidelity AND I know its not easy to resist the urge.
I know that some my sisters out here who didn’t have a father at home are confused about the different dimensions of a man and often don’t give men the space to take off the mask and be human with them. They don’t create a sanctuary of acceptance with them so the men can have a place to exhale and be themselves. These women don’t know the bliss they are missing out on when they demand that he be “hard” all the time, and the joy of having a man be gentle and loving with you. I know many of these women don’t know how to be gentle and loving because they were raised by women who had to be tough and strong because they didn’t have a partner.
I know that many men have been programmed into thinking that they SHOULD always be tough, stoic and fearless.
I know they don’t feel safe to be themselves. I know that the world, the women they may have dated in the past, and even their own mothers and fathers may have to told them to “man-up” meaning be emotionless and strong. I know they really believe that men have to be a certain way and that when I talk about this other side of men, this tender side of men, that they think I want to make men “soft” and “feminize” men because they really don’t know that its okay to be a “Gentle”man.
I have been trying to figure out what this breakdown in marriage rates AND quality relationships is all about. It came to me today during one of my awesome discussion!
What I don’t know is if most men realize the treasure that it is to find a woman/person who will give you the safe space to be yourself. I don’t think most men have ever thought about relationships or marriage from this perspective. How can you miss or seek something that you don’t even know exists?
If I thought marriage was all about sex with 1 person for the rest of my life and having to pay for everything and be nagged, I guess I would avoid it too LOL. When I thought marriage was about having to be a slave to a man and giving up your independence I was VEHEMENTLY against it, however, when I starting see a new possibility of marriage as having a best friend to share EVERYTHING with that you also found sexy, it became very appealing to me!
So what to do? Well I invite men to consider what it would be like to have a safe space to let your guard down, but not have to be alone there? To ask themselves,
What is it worth to have a friend, lover, nurturer, confidante, cheerleader, coach, and teammate for life?
Is it worth taking the time to make yourself look attractive? Is it worth holding off on sex when dating and taking the time to see if this person is trustworthy with your true self? Is it worth telling a beautiful, sexy, and willing woman “no” because you know she is not the one with whom you can be yourself? Is it worth remembering to do something special for this person about 3-4 times a year( birthday, anniversary, valentines day, sweetest day)? Is it worth giving up sex with other people (if that is the kind of marriage you want b/c some people opt for different rule in this area)? Is it worth having to listen to this person share about what’s important to them and then doing what you can to assist them in having their dreams fulfilled? Maybe its not worth it for some and it is for others, that’s a personal decision.
I know that in order for me call someone “my man”/husband/boyfriend, I need him to be real with me. I need him to take off the mask of being a “man” and simply be a human being and a friend with me. I need him to trust me enough to know that I know that just because he is human and has human emotions that he is not less of a “man” in my eyes, but in fact MORE.
When I am “getting to know” a man/dating that is what I am looking for. I am looking for someone willing to get “real” and stop “fronting.” I am looking to know the real him, not the facade he puts on to be “accepted or to “look good.” I want to see if I like and click with the true him, all dimensions of him. I am not looking for a free meal, I not looking for a sex partner. That is why it doesn’t matter if a man spends $10 or $1000 on a date(s) with me. That is why I don’t rush into sex or have any rules (90 days, 3 dates or otherwise when I’m ready I’m ready). I’m not impressed by money or good looks (although they are both good assets to have). What gonna impresses me is what he shares when he has the courage to be himself and share authentically. What makes me choose to be intimate with him is when he sees the real me. When he sees beyond the pretty face, and sexy body, and sees the essence of who I am and what I bring to the world and connects with that aspect of me. Unless I am looking for a fling (and I rarely am), I choose to share my physical body with men that have shared their true self with me, whether it takes 1 hour, or 1 year.
Why? Well I think when a man feels free to be his true self with you, you know he trusts you and that he respects you and that he will do his best to protect, provide for, and keep you because he values the sanctuary you provide and knows its not that easy to come by. Those are the kind of men you need to consider for sex and/or marriage if you want to be cherished, honored and respected (if you just want a good time, go for sexy!). Fellas the women you need to consider for marriage are the ones in your life with whom you feel safe to be 100% . Take you time to figure it out. You don’t just go on dates and start sharing your innermost secrets. Take you time to see if she is kind, loving, compassionate, trustworthy, honorable, considerate, and nurturing. Its easy to see if she has a pretty face and a good body, but it takes time and effort to see if she has a good heart.
For me I need true friendship/connectedness as the foundation of my relationships, complemented by attraction and shared interests/values. Each of the men I have dated in my past are people I count as friends. People who I can call on if I am in need of something and am sure that they will assit me (now their wives and girlfriends my not like it, but that’s another conversation). The fact that our romantic relationship didn’t pan out doesn’t negate the fact that we were/are truly friends. I am not in communication with all of them, but a true friendship doesn’t require constant communication. I stand by my practice of FRIENDS FOREMOST because lust is fleeting but true connection and love is enduring.
~Choose love
When being The Virtuous Vixen, I am all about sharing my journey as I continue to evolve into and embrace my Divine Purpose and live into the future I invented for myself. This sharing is all about personal development and how I put into action the things I am reading and finding out about life.
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